this might be a kind of manifesto. that's probably overdramatized; in any case the ideas to follow have been swirling around in my head for a number of years, and now they're getting an outlet. primarily because i have been challenged reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. he happened to write a book that articulated these ideas far better than i ever have, and gave them context in the Bible, and reading it knocked me on my ass.
if you've been around me in some kind of spiritual context - at church, or a small group or study, or tailgating - you have heard some version of this message from me. it generally takes this form: i lament that my relationship with God feels hindered by comfort. i have arranged my life so that things are stable, a well-oiled machine. the fridge is stocked, the thermostat is just right, i have a very plush place to sit, and there's always something interesting on TV. i maintain this ecosystem well. i wouldn't say it takes considerable effort to do so - i've gotten good at it. but if one of those variables were to change, i exert considerable effort to remediate.
how does this get in the way of me and God? because my faith is constrained to operate inside this ecosystem. we (my wife and i) give just enough to feel like we're doing it right, but never enough that we need to depend on God to provide (instead of ourselves). we participate in just enough Christian-related stuff to feel like we're doing it right, but not enough to take us away from home for too long. we disuss our faith with peripheral folks in Paneras and Starbucks and air-conditioned living rooms, but never invade each other's lives enough to have any signficant impact.
i rely on God very little. i claim to follow him, to love him, know him like i know other people, but if you subtracted my spiritual life from everything else, about 93% of the practical stuff - where i spend my time, money, my mind grapes - would remain the same.
i've known this truth for a long time and have pushed it in the background and never dealt with it for a few reasons.
one, i am self-centered and lazy. i enjoy my comfort a lot. this isn't self-flagellation, mind you. it's an honest assessment of myself.
two, i am surrounded by a culture that swears up and down that this lifestyle is my birthright as an American, and i am neck-deep in it, believing every word.
three, i surround myself with other folks that are by-and-large in the same boat, and there is safety in numbers.
four, i want my wife to feel stable, safe, protected, never in danger or want. maybe a noble goal? but i don't like the road that leads to said goal.
five, we have a six-figure income that pretty much means, barring a financial disaster, this lifestyle could continue uninterrupted - flourishing, even - for the rest of our lives.
please don't read this and think i am judging anyone else whose lifestyle might fit this description. you live how you want, it's your choice, and i have no right to say anything against it. i am only examining my own life (and that of my wife, peripherally). i'm not even saying you need to believe what I do about God or spirituality or whatever.
God has been quietly tapping on my window, though. it seems i am wired to live in a close relationship with God, that he is supposed to be the most important thing in my life, and at this point, functionally, he is way down the list. CS Lewis said that just like cars are built to run on gasoline, humans are built to run on intimacy with God, and i happen to agree with that. i know God has called me to a particular mission, too, and i've used that an excuse to live the way i do - this lifestyle is what's required to participate in that mission. but that is BS.
i also think that there are tons of folks who have less than us and that i have way, way too much, and why in the crap aren't i doing more about that? How can i enjoy my comforts knowing that? evidence: look at how often i talk about myself in this rant. SO self centered.
Jesus said that if we want to save our lives, we need to give them away. that's actually when i've been the happiest in the fourteen years i have followed him - when i am giving myself away. but i keep forgetting. He said that when we encounter another person in need and we step in and help, we are serving him directly. how many opportunities to do that have i passed up for one reason or another that i rationalized to myself at the time?
so i want to work on this, and in the brief time i've focused on it and listened to God he's given me some sweet ideas on where to go from here. i am actually kind of excited about moving forward, which i feel is a good sign - i am not dreading the progression of this project, which i am calling Live Like We Mean It. my life should be evidence that God is tearing through it like Godzilla (heh, i just got that) through a model city. not that he is destroying my life, but that he is upending it. i feel like a good barometer for how this is going is, how crazy does everyone think i am going? the higher that number, the right-er the decision is. maybe. if i start running down 75 naked with a lightsaber and a floppy hat, you can call me out.
why a blog? i guess i needed a place to write this down, and when i start taking steps in this project that will involve other people, i want a place to point folks to. i'd have needed a lot of twitter posts to get all this out, i guess is the point. i have a few ideas of steps to take, the first one may be kind of soon, and it may involve other people if they want to participate.
what is my eventual goal? how will i measure success? when i do not feel that comfort is limiting my closeness with God. when i feel like i am not cheating him or the people i love by living a safe, comfortable, stable life that requires no risk or dependence on God.
the thing i am most afraid of is losing momentum, though. there is a fire in my belly that i have let go out too many times, and it will take a concerted effort to keep this one alive. so that's the other thing, if you see me, ask how the project is going, and i promise i won't rant for a dozen pages when i respond :)
tl;dr? hope not. if you read all this, thanks, you are awesome.
